Tips on How Not to be a Vajazziling Lunatic for Your Wedding Day (from an expert)

Since we began planning our wedding about 9 months ago, I’ve run into the normal ups and downs of what most women experience during the course of this process: lots of input on everything from what my veil that I’m not wearing should look like, to “helpful” advice from people not even invited. This is all par for the course, expected, and frankly, not really something I spend too much time thinking about.

Basically because I’m highly evolved and above petty thoughts about an event that will last approximately 8 hours. Hahaha no, let’s get real. It’s because I’ve occupied my brain time thinking about sh*t that matters even less than my imaginary veil. It’s like a vortex of mason jars and sparkle ribbon that should trigger any normal person to be like “Wait. Put your money back in your pocket before you spend $20 per person on personalized straws, you complete lunatic.”

However, what I’ve rationalized to myself is that it’s all a matter of perspective. Sure, it is utterly ridiculous to spend LITERALLY MINUTES thinking at all about what font your chalkboard menu should be in. But in the grand scheme of weddings, this becomes so normalized that I sometimes feel like I’m living in a Truman Show-type reality where things are placed in front of me on purpose to see if I’ll eventually spin out of control and wind up on the shockingly popular tv show, “Brides Gone Bananas,’ screaming about how it’s the WRONG SHADE OF PINK and that I will cut the DJ for having the gall to ask whether he should include Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” to the playlist during the reception!

(answer: I’m torn! It’s the perfect level of cheese and good-time fun that I ache for, yet completely and utterly the worst.)

So, because of my love of everything in a list, I’ve created a short one below of the Top Five Things Every Bride Needs to Just Not Care About:

Flowers.

This was actually a “helpful wedding tip”  sent to me months ago from a wedding website:

You want to find someone you trust to make the right floral decisions -- someone who instinctively knows what will look good together. Once you've narrowed it down to two or three, meet in person.

Someone I trust with good floral instincts? I mean, I get the gist of this, but let’s get real: you basically need to know how to arrange flowers better than I do – which is not at all – and not put carnations in there like I would. Done and done.

Also, quick poll: How many of you remember more than one (not including your own) wedding centerpiece and/or bouquet from a wedding you have attended in your lifetime?

Second poll: If you do remember those, how boring was the rest of the wedding?

I mean, sure, if you actually care about flowers, go for it. Also, if you’re rolling around in money and have $3-10,000 to spend on something that will die later that night – could you just get up from the pile, put it in an envelope, and send it on over to me?

A Welcome Party

It’s time to start planning the menu and details. A welcome party is hands-down a great way to get all your guests mixing and mingling early!

If I understand the idea behind this, it’s sort of like a pre-wedding? Which sounds both exhausting and expensive. And also sort of kills the point of the rest of the weekend? (except the love and marriage and love part, yadda yadda.)

Also, why do wedding websites hate the bride and groom? Are you trying to come up with extra things for us to plan and/or stress-eat over? Mission accomplished.

Personalized Napkins

Nobody needs this. I promise you. I realize that Pinterest makes you pine for the "Eat, Drink, and Be Married" napkins that keep popping up on every perfect board out there. 

Step away from the online step in which you pick your size, color, and whimsy quote and spend time figuring out how we can stop the sale of Nigerian girls by the hundreds. OR, at least spend time thinking about why you want to spend $10 per person on something they're literally wiping their faces with and then throwing away.  

Moving on.

Signature Cocktail

I will admit that designing our own signature cocktail sounded quite appealing for about 90 seconds. Until I realized that mine would be pink and his would be some weird dark brown and then I was like “Or we could just let people pick their own drinks like adult humans?” Also, we’re not a celebrity power couple (yet) who could really get away with, like, “Brangelina’s Bourbon” or something, though I’m sure it’d be delicious and incorporate notes from all around the globe.

But honestly, this was something I got asked about on more than two occasions, which sometimes makes you feel like it’s a thing – sort of like vajazziling or pajama jeans – but it’s not. Or at least not a thing you should spend brain power on unless you have literally done everything else on your life’s to-do list. Then please, make a signature cocktail with a moustache straw in it and have a good time for yourself.

And finally…..

Dance Lessons

More tips:

If you dread the idea of all eyes on you during the first dance, you might want to consider dance lessons. (Also makes for a fun date night in the midst of all the planning!)

Let’s get real: CB and I were genetically blessed with the gift of dance, as so many of us are. And so this one was a non-issue for us.

OR I actually contemplated this notion for a few minutes because CB was like “I don’t want to get out there and sway back and forth like we’re at a seventh grade dance.” Which of course was what I was assuming we would just do, because that’s how everyone slow dances – leave room for the Holy Ghost! – so I was surprised that this wasn’t the look we were going for.

But then I was like “I’m pretty sure only about 20 people will actually be watching us. The rest of the people will be up at the bar or wondering when the salad will come out and/or when I’ll stop sobbing so they can hear the music.”

However, I found a Groupon for ballroom dancing and CB was like “I’m not doing that” and so it was a pretty easy decision. Get ready for some awkward swaying, you guys! Besides, I think that he quickly realized that any “fun date night” that incorporated a dance class with me would quickly spiral into me trying to reenact all important scenes from “Dirty Dancing,” which would make him pre-divorce me.

And there you have it. I’m sure I’ve missed, like, one billion things. But one of the helpful intricacies of my brain is that things quickly enter and then leave when I feel as if it’s completely stupid. Which is useful so that I can retain all information related to Tori and Dean, Beyonce and the Elevator Incident, and every twist and turn that happens on “Scandal.” My brain knows how to prioritize.

Happy Wednesday!