Texting While Tanning

So last week I decided that I’d do a practice run spray tan for my bridal shower. Since I’m likely going to do this for our wedding, I wanted to give it a go because I didn’t want to look orange but also think that's preferable to exposing myself to skin cancer. 

However, after making the appointment I started to get nervous about what I was in for, so I texted Mary:

Me: So, I’m getting a spray tan tonight as practice for my wedding. What are the odds that I don’t end up looking like an oompah loompah?
Mary: Oh, I hope so! Wait, not helpful?
Me: Not helpful.
Mary: I would say you have spray tanned enough to know what you are doing….but it is you.
Me: Uh, I’ve never spray tanned. And this is one of those places where someone does it to me? I’m starting to get flop sweat.
Mary: You haven’t?? Oh hell. You want a professional to do it. You don’t want to be a decision-maker! And I know you love being naked in front of people….you know you gotta get naked, right?
Me: It’s not going to go well. Like, naked-naked? Like no underpants???
Mary: You can leave your undies on. But I’ve done it with or without. Without makes me feel like I’m getting money’s worth. That’s a lot of real estate. But I will warn you…the spray tan chick is gonna get real close to you. This ain’t 50 feet away with a fire hose! Now am I helpful??
Me: That IS helpful! Wait, like how close? I better put on more deodorant.
Mary: They won’t touch you…but they could.
Me: Will anyone make it to second base?
Mary: If they have to lift your boob to spray under it, then yes.
Me: Wait, I have to lift my boobs?? I’m gonna pass out.
Mary: Lifting your arm should do the trick!

Pause.

Mary: You know to wear grubby clothes? Not your fancy hoody.
Me: Yeah, they told me – no fancy hoodies tonight!

Two hours later.

Mary: Are you orange?? Details!
Me: I’m not! And I got naked in front of a stranger! And, staying true to form, I think she ended up feeling more uncomfortable than me by the end. Sometimes I say awkward things to make it more awkward by accident.
Mary: Sometimes? All the time. 

Happy Wednesday, everyone!