Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Texting While Tanning

So last week I decided that I’d do a practice run spray tan for my bridal shower. Since I’m likely going to do this for our wedding, I wanted to give it a go because I didn’t want to look orange but also think that's preferable to exposing myself to skin cancer. 

However, after making the appointment I started to get nervous about what I was in for, so I texted Mary:

Me: So, I’m getting a spray tan tonight as practice for my wedding. What are the odds that I don’t end up looking like an oompah loompah?
Mary: Oh, I hope so! Wait, not helpful?
Me: Not helpful.
Mary: I would say you have spray tanned enough to know what you are doing….but it is you.
Me: Uh, I’ve never spray tanned. And this is one of those places where someone does it to me? I’m starting to get flop sweat.
Mary: You haven’t?? Oh hell. You want a professional to do it. You don’t want to be a decision-maker! And I know you love being naked in front of people….you know you gotta get naked, right?
Me: It’s not going to go well. Like, naked-naked? Like no underpants???
Mary: You can leave your undies on. But I’ve done it with or without. Without makes me feel like I’m getting money’s worth. That’s a lot of real estate. But I will warn you…the spray tan chick is gonna get real close to you. This ain’t 50 feet away with a fire hose! Now am I helpful??
Me: That IS helpful! Wait, like how close? I better put on more deodorant.
Mary: They won’t touch you…but they could.
Me: Will anyone make it to second base?
Mary: If they have to lift your boob to spray under it, then yes.
Me: Wait, I have to lift my boobs?? I’m gonna pass out.
Mary: Lifting your arm should do the trick!


Mary: You know to wear grubby clothes? Not your fancy hoody.
Me: Yeah, they told me – no fancy hoodies tonight!

Two hours later.

Mary: Are you orange?? Details!
Me: I’m not! And I got naked in front of a stranger! And, staying true to form, I think she ended up feeling more uncomfortable than me by the end. Sometimes I say awkward things to make it more awkward by accident.
Mary: Sometimes? All the time. 

Happy Wednesday, everyone!


  1. Now I have to know what you said to the sprayer-girl!

    1. Well, let's just say it started off by me talking WAY too much and then saying "Wow, you must look at a lot of naked people" and her awkwardly trying not to engage with the crazy sweaty lady.

  2. I love that Mary assumed that you spray-tan all the time.... Does this mean you usually look slightly orange? Or that you always look super tan and that she doesn't believe that your skin looks that awesome all the time?

    1. I will choose to believe it's the second one ;-)

  3. Funny, glad you didn't come out orange.