Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Conversations from Cohabitation

While getting ready for bed the other night, I slid under the covers and simultaneously slid CB’s second pillow out from underneath his head.

CB: “This is an abusive relationship.”
Me: “You’re very dramatic. You snore more when you’re elevated.”
CB: “You have three pillows and I have one.”
Me: “It’s your lot in life.”
CB: “You’re my lot in life.”


Different night, as CB was getting into bed:

Me: “Ooh! Ooh! Could you please turn off the overhead light?”
CB, giving me a sideways glance.
Me: “You are the last to bed! Bedtime rules.”
CB: “There are bedtime rules?”
Me: “Yep.”
CB, turning off the lights and walking towards the bed.
Me: “Ooh! Ooh! Could you please do me a favor and double-check that the front door is locked?”
CB, giving me a sideways glance as he walked towards the bedroom door.
Me: “Are you contemplating smothering me in my sleep?”
CB, unconvincingly: “No….”
Me: “Lies.”
CB: “Maybe if I had more pillows to spare I would.”


Me: “I think my mom was right that our bodies don't break down carbs as well as some other people's. Because I’ve been watching it over the last month and I’ve lost 6 pounds.”
CB: “That’s great!”
Me: “I mean, I could never be one of those people who just doesn’t eat carbs, because that’s crazy and I want to be happy. But it’s amazing how eating half of what I would eat before still satisfies me. It’s like I get my cake and can eat it too. Which I’ll also never give up.”
CB, “listening” while playing a game on his phone.
Me: “Can you tell I’ve lost 6 pounds?”
CB, looking up from his phone: “Yes-no! I don’t know, I’m not sure what the right answer is.”
Me, laughing: “That’s fair, you really can’t win.”
CB: “I mean, if I say yes, you’ll be like ‘does that mean you thought I was fat?’, which isn’t the case. And if I say no, you’ll be like ‘I can’t believe you didn’t notice I lost 6 pounds.’ So I’m not sure what to say.”
Me, still laughing: “I promise this isn’t a trick but honestly, can you tell?”
CB, looking at me to decide whether I will stab him: “Honestly? No.”
Me: “What if I gained 6 pounds?”
CB, without missing a beat: “I’d notice right away.”
Me: “Fair enough.”

Happy Wednesday, everyone!


  1. They do indeed notice straight away. Not because men are concerned for your health. Oh, no. It's because they are concerned that any weight you gain will be the catalyst for an epic shopping spree as you replenish your wardrobe with larger sizes. While some men are worried about the dent this will make in the family budget, more men are worried that their womenfolk will save the old clothing 'just in case they lose weight'. (As we do). And as the new clothing will now take up three quarters of the space the man was using, he will end up with three inches of hanging space and a single drawer to store his own clothing in. O.k, half a drawer. My own spouse has given up and now stores his clothing on what he calls the floordrobe.