Monday, September 9, 2013

I'm a Sleep Monster.

Something you may not know about me is that the nighttime is not the right time to do any sort of interacting with me. You don’t want to talk to me, you don’t want to try to share a bed with me, and you certainly don’t want to wake and/or keep me up.

Basically what I’m saying here is that CB lives with a Sleep Monster.

For a few years now, he has been telling tales of his seemingly normal girlfriend/fiancĂ© by day, Devil Diva by night. I have kicked him, nudged him, yelled at him (but he’s dramatic, so let’s just call it “passionately talked loudly” at him), and have been an overall nightmare dream to live with during the nighttime hours.

However, I’ve also been known to sing in my sleep, and because of this, I think everything else is negated since I have a lovely singing voice and it’s a gift to the world.

Anyway, last night was no exception to my Sleep Monster tendencies. Though once you hear this story, I think you’ll all definitely be on my side and should not ask CB if he has a side or not.

You see, CB had been out of town for a  few nights, and like any dedicated partner would do, I took over the entire bed with my fort of pillows and dreamed about how nice it’d be if we lived in a 1950s television show so we would have two separate beds at all times because MORALITY, people.

 Also, I was able to sleep without my ear plugs and my Mr.Myagi rituals, which is the best.

So when my beloved came home last night in a pleasant mood and not at all over-tired from a weekend of sleep deprivation and rich food and beer, causing him to feel nauseated, I was really excited about hitting the sheets. Ooooh baby baby. Because nothing spells romance like the delight of an over-tired, 200 pound man with blocked nasal passages taking over your queen-sized bed.

So instantly, of course, he fell asleep and started to snore. So instantly, of course, I was all aboard the hate train, laying there staring at the ceiling and contemplating smothering him with a pillow.

But since I have a heart (and a clean criminal record), I decided, instead, to just be really silent/obvious-annoyed at him and did that tossing and turning in bed thing where you’re hoping that you’re actually potentially launching the other person off of the mattress with the weight of your movements, hence, disallowing them to enjoy the sleep you are not.

It’s the sleeping equivalent to the half turnaround at the movie theater when someone is talking during any part of the movie-going experience. Which is the worst.

However, shockingly, the angry toss didn’t do the trick because he was still snoring and now beginning to spread himself out more and more over the width of the bed so that I was hanging onto the sides. Which is really scary to do with ear plugs in and an eye mask on, you guys! I was sensory deprived!

Anyway, after about 45 minutes of laying there hating the man that I love, I decided that the only logical solution to not getting a good night’s sleep was to ensure that I didn’t get a good night’s sleep by going out into the living room to sleep on the floor with our cat.


Now, one might ask why I didn’t just set up shop on the couch. But, you see, we haven’t quite gotten around to purchasing new furniture for our place, and so we’re currently working with some really nice - but studio-sized - living room furniture from CB’s former apartment. And we’re not pocket-people, so there’s no couch-dwelling for either of us.

Besides, sleeping on the floor is dramatic, and that’s what I am at 11:30 at night. However, by 4am I am no longer dramatic and I’m just stiff and sore and back to quiet-hating CB. So I gathered up my blanket and three pillows (I travel deep), walked back into the bedroom, and plopped into bed.

CB, half-asleep: “Are you alright?”
Me: “Mmmm hmmmm.”


Cut to: 7:45 am, I’m awake, showered, fed, and getting my day started.

CB comes out of the bedroom looking sleepy: “Good morning.”
Me: “Good morning. How did you sleep?”
CB: “Fine….I’m tired.”
Me: “Me too.”

Happy Monday, everyone! Hope you got a good night's sleep!


  1. My husband doesn't get any consideration. I immediately poke him and make him turn over to stop snoring. It's the only way to keep me from killing him from lack of sleep. Of course, he claims I am a blanket hog, but he can't produce any witnesses, so I say it never happened.

    1. Haha I say it never happened! Also, I do try to nudge, but when he's really tired, it's useless....

  2. "Besides, sleeping on the floor is dramatic, and that’s what I am at 11:30 at night."

    Yes. So much "yes" to this. I'm the exact same way when it comes to sleepy fights. One time, I was with a guy who couldn't sleep without a fan running, which meant that I was freezing all night long. What did I do? I made myself a little bed on the floor BEHIND the fan so that all the cold air was blowing away from me.


    1. Hahahaha! That seems totally logical to me. I see no issue with that.

  3. I've been alone for the past 7 nights. Secretly, I wonder how I'm going to give up the rest of the bed when John gets back. I feel your pain!!!!

  4. I don't mind the Taller Half snoring. I actually can't sleep if he stops snoring. It's like his snoring lets me know he's alive or something.


    His blanket and bed hogging ways make me a Sleep Monster. I've nearly flipped him out of the bed yanking the blankets back so I can have some. (We've since compromised with 2 sets of blankets on the bed so we each have blankets. HE IS A BLANKET HOG OMG.) And I've given up asking him to move when he's a bed hog because he just moves back to the middle of the stupid bed, thus forcing me to cling to the outermost edge of the mattress. Now I just sleep with my arms and legs (okay and like half my body) on top of him. Because obviously this is how it works.

  5. I am terrible I get really angry with people snoring, so I feel your pain! haah