I'm a Sleep Monster.

Something you may not know about me is that the nighttime is not the right time to do any sort of interacting with me. You don’t want to talk to me, you don’t want to try to share a bed with me, and you certainly don’t want to wake and/or keep me up.

Basically what I’m saying here is that CB lives with a Sleep Monster.

For a few years now, he has been telling tales of his seemingly normal girlfriend/fiancé by day, Devil Diva by night. I have kicked him, nudged him, yelled at him (but he’s dramatic, so let’s just call it “passionately talked loudly” at him), and have been an overall nightmare dream to live with during the nighttime hours.

However, I’ve also been known to sing in my sleep, and because of this, I think everything else is negated since I have a lovely singing voice and it’s a gift to the world.

Anyway, last night was no exception to my Sleep Monster tendencies. Though once you hear this story, I think you’ll all definitely be on my side and should not ask CB if he has a side or not.

You see, CB had been out of town for a  few nights, and like any dedicated partner would do, I took over the entire bed with my fort of pillows and dreamed about how nice it’d be if we lived in a 1950s television show so we would have two separate beds at all times because MORALITY, people.

 Also, I was able to sleep without my ear plugs and my Mr.Myagi rituals, which is the best.

So when my beloved came home last night in a pleasant mood and not at all over-tired from a weekend of sleep deprivation and rich food and beer, causing him to feel nauseated, I was really excited about hitting the sheets. Ooooh baby baby. Because nothing spells romance like the delight of an over-tired, 200 pound man with blocked nasal passages taking over your queen-sized bed.

So instantly, of course, he fell asleep and started to snore. So instantly, of course, I was all aboard the hate train, laying there staring at the ceiling and contemplating smothering him with a pillow.

But since I have a heart (and a clean criminal record), I decided, instead, to just be really silent/obvious-annoyed at him and did that tossing and turning in bed thing where you’re hoping that you’re actually potentially launching the other person off of the mattress with the weight of your movements, hence, disallowing them to enjoy the sleep you are not.

It’s the sleeping equivalent to the half turnaround at the movie theater when someone is talking during any part of the movie-going experience. Which is the worst.

However, shockingly, the angry toss didn’t do the trick because he was still snoring and now beginning to spread himself out more and more over the width of the bed so that I was hanging onto the sides. Which is really scary to do with ear plugs in and an eye mask on, you guys! I was sensory deprived!

Anyway, after about 45 minutes of laying there hating the man that I love, I decided that the only logical solution to not getting a good night’s sleep was to ensure that I didn’t get a good night’s sleep by going out into the living room to sleep on the floor with our cat.

Obviously.

Now, one might ask why I didn’t just set up shop on the couch. But, you see, we haven’t quite gotten around to purchasing new furniture for our place, and so we’re currently working with some really nice - but studio-sized - living room furniture from CB’s former apartment. And we’re not pocket-people, so there’s no couch-dwelling for either of us.

Besides, sleeping on the floor is dramatic, and that’s what I am at 11:30 at night. However, by 4am I am no longer dramatic and I’m just stiff and sore and back to quiet-hating CB. So I gathered up my blanket and three pillows (I travel deep), walked back into the bedroom, and plopped into bed.

CB, half-asleep: “Are you alright?”
Me: “Mmmm hmmmm.”

Hate.

Cut to: 7:45 am, I’m awake, showered, fed, and getting my day started.

CB comes out of the bedroom looking sleepy: “Good morning.”
Me: “Good morning. How did you sleep?”
CB: “Fine….I’m tired.”
Me: “Me too.”

Hate.

Happy Monday, everyone! Hope you got a good night's sleep!