Friday Wrapup!

Let's get to it!

***

I'm sure you guys have seen this already, but I can't stop laughing. Also, I got a note from a friend earlier this week - with a link to this video - saying "this reminded me of you."

Why?

Because I've publicly fallen off the treadmill before. Except I wasn't smart enough to start immediately doing push-ups as if I was just a hyper-active cross-trainer. I just laid there with my limbs splayed about, hoping nobody noticed.

***

This weeks book is...non-existent. I know! I actually meant to blog about Amy Poehler's new book, "Yes Please," which I read a few weeks ago. But I forgot. And now I'm too lazy to do it. SO THERE. Plus, you guys are busy last-minute-Christmas shopping those items I posted about on Wednesday, I'm assuming, so no time to read!

But starting in January there should be a handful of new book posts up there to get the year started off right, so stay tuned!

***

Yep, it's official: we've run out of things to do with our time.

***

So, this was going to be the original Video of the Week, but then the one below is actually, technically, the video of the week because it's that time of year and this is my blog and I can post old videos if I so choose.

HOWEVER, Bruno Mars in gold curlers singing this song is one of my favorites, and so I'm sharing essentially TWO videos of the week with you since next week I'll be MIA looking for Santa and my face pillow under the tree!

Enjoy!

AND!

Happy Friday and happy holidays and I'll see you all in a week!!!

This is Why the Terrorists Hate Us

So the other day I was perusing the internet looking for some last-minute gift inspiration, though overall, I was feeling pretty accomplished that I’d finished all of my Christmas shopping essentially by December 1st. I was even a little gloat-y – dropping that fun fact into conversations that had nothing to do with holiday shopping whatsoever, just to get the point across that I was totally on the ball this year.

But there was one person who was missing one thing and I couldn’t quite figure out what that one thing was….but I knew the internet would have the answer, and so I began my search.

However, this is one of the first things I ran into:

How is this real?

It's called the Ostrich Napping Pillow. Obviously. And this is its description: 

"Catch a quick nap no matter where you are and feel totally relaxed while doing so by covering your head with this comfortable ostrich pillow that encompasses your entire head and neck except your mouth and nose."

Now, if we could just get over the fact that the above was the longest run-on sentence written by someone other than Marcel Proust, we could jump ahead to the notion that anyone would feel "totally relaxed" while wearing this giant alien pillow around their face. 

Also, doesn't it look like he's doing it wrong? Are those arm-holes on the upper sides? Why is there hair ventilation? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING. 

Cut to: 5 minutes later, I saw this: 

It's called The Canine Raincoat. And if your dog is wearing this, you should leave it out in the wild and remind it that it's a dog and doesn't need a face shield from water, princess (I'm mean to animals dressed as humans, this is not news.)

And then finally, I stopped looking after finding this:

I FOUND CB'S FAVORITE GIFT THIS YEAR. (he will blush just looking at this picture, which makes this entire blog thing worthwhile.)Your underpants aren't complete unless they have ears.

You're welcome in advance for giving you some incredible options for your last-minute holiday-buying needs.

Happy Wednesday!

Christmas Extravaganza

So, this year CB and I have had a hard time getting into the holiday spirit. Between crazy schedules and flying to Mexico the week after Thanksgiving, we sort of found ourselves at a point where it'd be way too much work to buy a tree, set it up, and then quickly stare at it for 6 days before leaving to visit my parents over Christmas.

And while I'd come to terms with this, CB had not. And subtlety is not his greatest strength.

CB: "It doesn't even feel like Christmas."
CB: "I can't believe Christmas is so soon. I walk into the apartment and it feels like any other time of the year."
CB: "I hope I can get into the Christmas spirit sometime soon."

And so, since I took a vow a few months ago to love and honor him, even when I'm tired and don't feel like hanging up Christmas decorations, I decided to surprise CB with a Christmas Extravaganza. Which basically meant that he was out of the house for a few hours yesterday and I strung lights over our potted plant, bought a nutcracker and a wreath, and tried to make the apartment sparkle so CB would feel more Christmas-y and I could go back to napping. Like any good wife would.

Yes, I was watching Hope Floats while decorating. Obviously.

Nothing shouts "Festive!" like a plant with lights on it.

And as an added bonus, below is my post from last season when I graded the health of our relationship based upon how we made it through the Christmas-decorating process. As any healthy person would.

Happy Monday!


***

This weekend, CB and I went Christmas tree shopping and got into the holiday spirit by allowing glitter and lights and jingle bells to throw up all over our apartment. It was magical.

However, there were several moments throughout the weekend where I realized that, when it really comes down to it, we can all pretty much get an inside look at the health status of the relationship based upon whether or not you break up over decorating your home. I mean, it’s not a completely scientific study or anything, but I’m pretty sure it’d hold up in peer review.

Health Check:

While shopping for our Christmas tree, I got to the lot a few minutes early and had a chance to walk around and check out our options. I immediately gravitated towards a perfectly plump tree towards the back that I just knew would be a perfect fit. I also named him “Plumpy” and then told Carlos, the tree lot manager, that I had to wait to see if my other half was on board. He was like “From the looks of things, you’re bringing this tree home whether he likes it or not. You named it.”

Um, excuse me Carlos¸ but I’m a team player and can totally let Plumpy go if CB finds one he loves. I name everything. (Have you met our toaster, Poppy, and our Pigeon that left three weeks ago, Harold?)

Also, this is why CB should really just not take me to do things like this because I get attached to inanimate objects quite quickly and project feelings onto them that perhaps the dead pine isn’t experiencing. But you don’t know that, so let’s just be on the safe side and assume Plumpy understood me when I promised him I wouldn’t leave him alone in the lot that day.

Anyway, after 30 minutes of CB looking at every tree except Plumpy, he circled back.

CB: “I think it’s a great tree, I’m just not sure if it’s tall enough.”
Me: “He’s perfect.”
CB: “It’s a he?”
Me: “Yes. This is Plumpy. But I mean, if you see something else you like, I’m totally open to that. This is a joint decision.” (or the conversation went something like that)
CB: “Jeez, you already named it….”
Carlos: “Sorry, man, you’re definitely going home with this tree.”
CB: “Yeah, that’s becoming pretty clear.”
Me: “No! I’m totally flexible! Which one do you like?”
CB, looking around: “Well…..”
Me, whispering to Plumpy: “Don’t worry, we’ll be right back.”

Cut to 15 minutes later when Carlos was tying Plumpy to the top of the car.

CB: “You were right. It really is a great tree.”
Me: “Thanks! I’m glad you’re happy with him, too.”
CB: “I’m doing this alone next year.”
Me: “Agreed.”

Health Grade: B+ (we get points knocked off for my mental health clearly not being top notch, but the plus is because at one point I was like “Sure, we can take this other tree I haven’t named.” But then CB realized it wasn’t plump enough and I secretly did a dance of joy over my ability to be compromising AND still winning. If this was a contest, which obviously it’s not.)

***

This is what compromise
looks like, people! 

While Carlos and CB were getting the tree secured on the roof, I started looking at the dozens of wreath options they had on display. As we all know, my affinity for glitter is strong and proud. However, when presented with a wreath that was literally covered in glitter ribbons, glitter fake fruit, and a bird with a glitter bowtie (festive!), I looked around at the other more classic wreaths and said “You know what? This is overkill. Also, I live with a man who puts up with a lot. So let’s go with the wreath that just has a splash of sparkle and make everyone happy.  

Health Grade:  A. This was a growing moment.

***

While getting the tree in place, CB needed my help making sure it was straight. Now, I’m not sure how many of you have done this with just two people, but it’s quite hard to be sure it’s straight when you’re holding the thing up while your partner is screwing it into the tree stand in what appears to be an upright, not-at-all-leaning fashion from the ground position.

But then when you back up you’re like “Ooooh, it’s leaning to the right.” And so he gets back down on the ground, moves it “Just a half an inch or so to the left” and then you stand back again. “Yeah, it’s leaning too far forward now.”

Cut to 25 minutes later when CB started to have an allergic reaction to the pine and was like “Really? Are you sure you’re not just leaning to the left?” and he made the face he makes when I can tell he’s holding in frustration specifically directed at me.

To which I saved our pending marriage by calling our friend Matt, who lives down the hall, to come hold the tree while CB adjusted it and I stood back making sure it was straight. Also, Matt kept agreeing with CB, which makes CB not feel so alone in this world.

Matt: “It looks really straight to me.”
Me: “You don’t think it’s leaning a little to the left?”
Matt, taking it from another angle: “Well maybe a little, but when it falls a bit it’ll even out.”
Me: “I’m not sure……”
CB: “Alright, I’ll move it a little to the right.”

Cut to: 5 minutes later when Matt and I were like “Yeah, it was better the way it was before.”

And then CB tried to take the ring off of my finger but I am quicker than him in the morningtime.

Health Grade: B- (CB is very patient and I have a good eye for design so the time and energy spent making sure was well worth it – and I’m pretty sure that’s a unified position we both mentally took while never having to say it out loud. However, I probably could’ve listened to him about 15 minutes sooner than I did, and so there’s some work to do in the next few decades.)

***

CB was in charge of lights and I was in charge of decorating the rest of the apartment and helping put bulbs on the tree. This went swimmingly and we high fived over our awesomeness as a Christmas-decorating team several times.

Health Grade: A

Happy Monday, everyone! 

Friday Wrapup!

Let's get to it!

***

First, now that it's flu season, I thought this book would be perfect for book of the week. But in all seriousness, this is on my list of books to read over Christmas because I'm wild and crazy and that's what I call fun. Click here and check it out!

***

Not much of anything has been going on this week. Except, as I mentioned, CB recorded the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and then watched it 1.5 times. The .5 is because I came into the room just as it was ending and wondered who one of the performers was. He started telling me, I said I didn't know the song, and he rewound it so I could "hear the song." And then it stayed on a little longer than the song......and so Santa granted CB his wish this year.

***

And now, the Video of the Week.

Despite the fact that I don't wear wings or sparkle bras around the house, CB still loves me. And I know this because he texted this to me this morning: 

"30 years ago today the #1 song in the country was 'Out of Touch' by the pride of Philadelphia, Hall and Oates."

Now that's love. 

So to honor this anniversary, duh, I present to you....the Video of the Week. Happy Friday!

Conversations from Cohabitation: The Victoria's Secret Edition

Last night, I was in the bedroom and CB was out in the living room reading. As I was falling asleep, I called out from the bedroom.

Me: "Wait, I think the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is on tonight."
CB, turning the tv on: "Did I miss it?!"
Me: "I don't know, but I think it's on CBS? Why I know any of this is beyond me, by the way."
CB, clearly turning to CBS: "Uh, it's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Beck."
Me: "Yeah, I don't know what to tell ya then."
CB: "What?!"
Me: "What?"
CB: "It's not on until 10!"
Me: "That's kinda late."

Silence.

CB: "This is bs that I'm not awake late enough to watch it."
Me: "I hate to break it to you, but if you're not up late enough to watch them, you're definitely too old to date them, grandpa."
CB: "Nonsense."

***

This morning, I noticed that we had an extra show programmed on the DVR and texted CB.

Happy Wednesday!

Spoiler Alert: New York is cold in December.

I’m baaaack! Lucky us.

Um, couple things:

First, CB and I kept the trend alive and continued to hold the title of “People Who Would Get Kicked Off of the Amazing Race First.” We got lost in two airports this weekend and one of them was in New York City.

Me: “Is it just us, or is this terminal actually confusing?”
CB: “I think it’s the terminal.”
Me: “But nobody else looks lost…”
CB: “That’s true….but it’s just a poor layout for a terminal. I mean, how were we supposed to know we had to turn the corner?”
Me: “I mean, I guess logic? But also, I think we’re just not meant for airports. The good news is that we’re great once we actually get to our destination!”
CB: “Yeah, but if we keep going at this rate, we’ll never get to our destination!”

Whatever, we eventually found Mexico, so all was fine.

Second, I’ve realized that I’m not as good at transition and change as maybe I thought I was? Because, while it was 85 degrees and sunny in Mexico, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t wear shoes for four days, back here in the Nor’easter capital of the world, it’s 30 degrees, windy, and overcast.

However, this morning for work I put on an outfit I’d wear in the springtime, complete with no socks, flats, and a light, cotton sweater that does not protect one from the elements. And then proceeded to tell myself that it was fine and that my winter coat, a hat, and no gloves would protect me just fine.

I’m not good at adult’ing sometimes. Besides, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If I were a gazelle, I’d be the first one eaten at the watering hole. Plain and simple.

But the important part is….I’m baaaaaaaaack! Happy chilly Monday, everyone! 

And then someone made a CB sweatshirt.

Ok you guys, I’ve been a terrible blogger, what with the holiday and then, well, Monday. Forgive me!

We’re heading to Mexico tonight on an overnight flight that CB is insanely jazzed about. Mainly because he knows he’s traveling with me, and when we were going to and from Bali, I may have slept the entire way and perhaps even before the plane took off. Meanwhile, he watched four movies and acted as my shoulder-pillow, which I’m surprised he didn’t know was part of the package when he married me. So I'm looking forward to restful slumber and CB is looking forward to catching up on all of the plane movies. 

Regardless, we’ll be there for the rest of the week so WHAT WILL YOU DO. I don’t know, to be honest. Read the archives? Not get out of bed? All viable options.

OR, you can keep coming back to check out this picture of CB’s newest clothing item (and my left cheek and eyeball) and marvel at the fact that CB paraphernalia now exists in the world. You’re welcome. (Courtesy of Beth and Matt)

Also, CB thinks that this sweatshirt will make him famous because ONE time, someone recognized me in the gym because of my Friendapalooza sweatshirt and, I quote "if they recognize THAT, imagine what they'll do when they see CB wearing a CB sweatshirt!"

Imagine. 

Happy Wednesday and I’ll be back with tales from Mexico on Monday! 

It's Monday already?

You guys. I was off the grid for five days and so the fact that I even remembered to get up and go to work today was a small miracle. The fact that it only took me this long to realize I hadn't blogged is a large one. I'M SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

But I'll blog at you on Wednesday, so stay tuned! Meanwhile, have you guys read about my first Thanksgiving a few years ago with CB's family? No? Click here.

Happy Monday, everyone!

Conversations from Cohabitation

The other day, I was watching re-runs of "Gilmore Girls" (as you do), and CB sat down for a few minutes.

CB: "So, that's the mother....and that's her daughter, right?"
Me: "Right."

Pause.

CB: "When did this show come out?"
Me: "Um, I think, like, 1999 or something?"
CB: "Yeah, that makes sense."
Me: "Makes sense for what?"
CB: "Well, I remember I'd see ads for the show and think that I thought the mom was good looking and so was the daughter. That doesn't usually happen."
Me, laughing: "Well, she was 16 when she had her, so you're not a creeper."
CB: "Good to know."

Pause.

CB: "And Alyssa Milano on "Charles in Charge."
Me: "Um, that's not the same thing. And she was on "Who's the Boss." That blonde chick from "Baywatch" was on "Charles in Charge."
CB: "Oh yeah. I liked her too."
Me: "I figured."

***

Laying in bed the other night, CB slowly looks over our heads and stares.

Me: "Why are you staring at the mirror?"
CB: "Do you think it might fall on our heads in the middle of the night?"
Me, sitting up in bed: "Um, NO! But now I do! Why would you say that as we're going to bed??"
CB: "I don't know, I think about it a lot."
Me: "Then why are we still sleeping underneath it??"
CB: "I figured you didn't want me to move the bed further away from the wall. You have it all set up the way you want."
Me: "Yeah, but I'd also rather not be brained by the mirror in the middle of the night, so let's move the bed!"

*Um, I heard from a friend that this makes it sound like we have a mirror on our ceiling. WE DO NOT. But now I kind of wish we did because CB would pass out.

Happy Monday!!

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

I'm sort of shocked that I haven't mentioned this before now, but my birthday is Monday. And the reason I'm bringing it up is two-fold: (a) J-Lo recently turned 45 and had life-sized cake made of her laying on a lion. As you do, and (b) Monday is my birthday and no I feel like I've failed at life because THIS NEVER OCCURRED TO ME. (Also, has that baker ever seen a picture of what J-Lo looks like? Just wondering.)

I'm not a huge lion fan, mainly because I think they might eat me, but I could definitely get down with, like, a Becky/Panda cake. Me hugging a panda? Or the two of us feeding each other eucalyptus or whatever Panda's eat? Wait, is that a koala I'm thinking of? That's ok, I'm good with a Panda/Koala combo.

Let's get on that, people.

***

This week's book is "The Light Between Oceans" by M. L. Stedman. I can always appreciate a book review that lets me know there's a movie in the works about it in case I'm too lazy to actually read.

Click here and check it out and browse for other reading inspiration!

***

Speaking of pandas, who else likes the snow? Ok, maybe not you guys up in Buffalo...and in Michigan....and the other parts of the country they skim over when talking about weather. But since we haven't had any yet here in NYC, I'm with the panda.

***

And now, the Video of the Week. This song came on my iPod this morning and it always makes me smile. So, it's this week's choice! Enjoy and happy weekend, everyone!

Exhibit A

The other day I walked into my office, sat down, and turned to my co-worker sitting behind me. 

Me: "Hey, could you do me a favor and help me for a minute?"Coworker: "Sure, what's up?"Me, handing him my purse: "I got my umbrella stuck in my purse."

To which my coworker stared at the purse and then back at me. 

Coworker: "How does this happen?"Me: "I'm amazing?"Coworker: "Or...."Me: "Or, I shoved my umbrella into my purse and then tried to zip it and got the material stuck in the zipper."Coworker: "This is like the time you got yourself stuck in your coat and I had to use a stretched out paperclip to get you out."Me: "Oh yeah, I forgot about that."

And then another coworker with too good of a memory chimed in. 

Coworker #2: "You've gotten stuck in your coat a few times. I remember when Brian spent a good ten minutes getting you unstuck from your own zipper a few years ago."Me: "Yeah, it's why I ended up buying a new coat. I got tired of having to pull it off over my head or pulling it down and stepping out of it."Coworker: "I honestly don't know how you get to work in the morning."Me: "It's not always a small miracle."

Cut to: ten minutes later, my coworker is still trying to unzip the purse, though he was able to cut the umbrella out, which was step one. Also, he started sweating so much from the tugging that he had to take his sweater off. 

Now my umbrella has character.

Me: "I really appreciate this."Coworker: "I think it might be time for a new purse."Me: "No! I love this purse! Plus, my lunch is in there, so we have to get it open."

Cut to: ten more minutes and my coworker finally admitted defeat. Also, he didn't want to be responsible for breaking my purse and having me secretly hate him.

So, after tugging and pulling and pushing and cutting, I was able to nudge the zipper just enough to get my lunch out, which is basically all I wanted, so then I called it a day. However, when I got home that night, I handed it to CB and asked him to take a look at it.

CB: "I literally don't know how you do these things."Me: "I'm a mystery."CB: "And also kind of a danger to yourself and others."Me: "Well, I really don't see how getting stuck in my own coat or getting my umbrella caught in my purse is dangerous to others...."CB: "Because you end up coming to those others for help and we're the ones with scissors and sharp objects in our hands to get you out."Me: "Better than me with the scissors."CB: "So true."

And then, like it was his second job, he removed the tiny piece of material still wedged inside the teeth of the zipper, opened it and closed it, and handed it back without even saying a word.

Me: "If anyone ever questions why we work? This is Exhibit A."CB: "Becky, our whole life is Exhibit A."

Happy Wednesday everyone! 

Conversations from Cohabitation: The Moustache Edition

Yesterday, I walked into the apartment after the gym and started chatting with CB, who I hadn’t seen since the day before when he went to a bachelor party for his cousin.

CB: “How was the gym?”
Me: “Good! They had that awful air freshener in there still, so I had to pull that out of the wall so I could actually breathe. And someone was on the elliptical, so I did my floor work first and then used it once she was done.”
CB: “That’s good, I’m glad you were able to get the full workout.”
Me, looking at him and smiling: “How are you doing? Feeling ok?”
CB: “Yep, I feel good, glad I got to sleep in.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ll bet.”
Me, walking into the kitchen to get some lunch: “I think I’m going to eat before I shower, sorry if that’s gross.”
CB: “Fine by me.”

I get my lunch and we continue chatting. Finally, he gives me a kiss and I stare at him for a minute and then my eyes get big.

Me: “OH MY GOD you shaved your moustache off!!!”
CB, laughing: “I can’t believe we’ve had three different conversations, you’ve looked right at me, and still didn’t notice.”
Me: “Oh my God you look like you again!”
CB: “Um, apparently you don’t even look at my face when you talk to me. It’s been five minutes.”
Me: “It’s because you look like you and I forgot that you haven’t looked like you for two weeks.”
CB: “Or you look around my face when you talk to me.”
Me: “I suppose it’s possible. But what made you shave? It definitely wasn’t because I hated it. That seemed to fuel you.”
CB: “I probably kept it a week longer because of how much it bothered you.”
Me: “I figured.”
CB: “I just looked in the mirror this morning and couldn’t stand to look at it one more day. I looked ridiculous.”
Me: “As I said two weeks ago.”
CB: “Uh, let’s not forget it took you three days to notice that I had a moustache.”
Me: “So I’m getting better! It only took me five minutes to notice that it was gone!”
CB: “Quite an improvement.”
Me: “As is your face.”

IT’S GONE! RIP, 'stache.

Friday Wrapup!

I know, I know, I'm late with the post! But our friend Kate is visiting and I'm a busy woman, people! Also, I forgot.

Let's get to it!

***

This week's awesome book is "The Valley of Amazement" by Amy Tan. Click here to check out the review and browse around for other inspiration!

***

Yes, CB still has his stupid moustache and is GETTING TOO MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT. But it is kinda funny. And he looks ridiculous, knows it, and works it to his advantage. Which I sort of approve of (don't tell him.)

***

Did I mention I'm distracted today? So let's get right to the video of the week.

Aaaaaaaaaand the Video of the Week. Courtesy of my friend Beth.

Beth: "Um, it's 10:30 and I see no Friday Wrapup."
Me, blow drying my hair: "I know, I'm late. I'll do it when I'm done. Also, I need a video of the week, that's your job."

10 minutes later, this is what she sent me. So...........you're welcome. Also, YouTube wouldn't let me plug it right into the blog, so click here!

Happy Friday!

The Moustache.

Ok. So we all know how I feel about the moustache that CB is growing because he knows it bugs me, right?  Which I think is what marriage is all about?

Anyway, it has all been worth it simply because I got the following email from my dad yesterday after texting my parents a picture of CB with his dumb moustache, wearing his aviator sunglasses.

So your mother and I were discussing the picture you sent of CB and I thought he looked like any number of movie stars who try to mask their good looks by going scruffy.  I couldn't tell from the picture that his lip had any more hair than the rest of his face.
Anyhow, your mother said "maybe he's trying to look like that movie star Becky likes" and then neither of us could come up with the name.  I knew who she meant and said he was a Mouseketeer which started the discussion of the new Mouseketeers who have made it as adult celebrities.  At first she mentioned Hugh Jackman, who wasn't a Mouseketeer and is older than who we were discussing.  He is a good looking man but doesn't normally look scruffy, except when he's the Wolverine.  So I pulled out my phone and Googled "Gangster Squad" and as his picture came up, mom said "Ryan Gosling."  I showed her the picture, except there was also a picture of Jared Leto and she thought he was Ryan Gosling.  So when we got off that tangent, we scrolled through the pictures of Mr. Gosling and one showed him with a 3 or 4 day beard and if he'd been wearing sun glasses, it could be CB.
Bottom line, CB is just trying to make you happy by looking like Ryan Gosling so the moustache is your fault.  Thought you'd want to know.
Love - Dad

Parents! YOU ARE NOT HELPING (but you are hilarious).

And, because his fans are chomping at the bit.....here's the growth so far. You're welcome. (please shave).

Happy Wednesday! 

Hands on a Train: The less exciting sequel to Snakes on a Plane

I got on the wrong train today and am slightly off-kilter now. Mainly because I got into a verbal spat (and lost) with a middle-aged woman with a potty mouth. Plus, I’m actually off-kilter because after getting on the wrong train that took me to another city in New Jersey instead of the big city in New York, I got back on a different train that had, conservatively, ONE MILLION PEOPLE riding on the same little train car. And so I legitimately had to practice yoga contortion moves while avoiding a woman who INSISTED on still talking with her hands even though there was no room for hands, oh my god.

Also, she kept knocking me in the stomach with her wave-y hands and I kept pretending like it wasn’t bothering me because I figured she’d stop since you can feel yourself hitting my body, right? But then she didn’t and so then I became insane and started sweating and feeling light-headed and, upon the fifth time being struck by the hand-waver, I said “could you please be careful with your hands?”

Which is unlike me, but, come on. She and her train partner just looked at me and kept talking and THEN SHE HIT ME AGAIN AND I LOST MY MIND.

Me: “Excuse me, could you please watch where your hands go? You keep hitting me.”
Lady: “It’s a crowded train.”
Me: “Right, so maybe you could stop moving your hands so much?”
Lady: “Relax.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Lady: “Relax.”

I WILL NOT RELAX.

Me: “Please just don’t hit me, if at all possible.”
Lady, saying something in Spanish to her train partner.

Pause. Knocks my stomach again.

Me: “Seriously?”
Lady: “SERIOUSLY?”
Me: “Unreal.”
Lady: “Bitch.”
Random guy to lady: “You need to relax. And keep your hands to yourself.”
Me, to random guy: “Thank you!”

Then we arrived at my stop and the doors opened. And I needed this wave-y woman and her partner to please excuse me (exact words) so I could get through and off this terrible train.

Lady, nudging me as I passed by: “Pinche puta.”

And then the doors closed and I googled it and OH MY GOD, you guys.

We all need to relax.

But I felt vindicated as I walked up the platform stairs and a woman who had apparently been on the train with us said to me “I don’t know how you kept your sh*t together. I would’ve cut her hands off.”

Which, you know, sounds like a logical reaction to someone emoting too furiously with their hands on a crowded train.

Happy Monday from lovely New York City!

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

First: A friend was recently diagnosed with a form of Leukemia and it's possible that part of her hopeful treatment plan will be a bone marrow transplant. Turns out that 75 people in the country could be a likely 99% match for her - 75 people!

Her diagnosis is a reminder that many of us are leading wonderfully healthy lives and have the ability to BE the person that could literally save someone else's. As the holidays approach and you begin to wonder, "what could I do to help others?", my friends and I hope that you think of registering in a national database.

It's really simple! You fill out your information, receive a kit in the mail, and take a swab of your cheek.

BOOM, you're a possible lifesaver!

So, while I rarely do this sort of the thing on this blog, I couldn't NOT mention it. This is a platform for laughter and an escape....but how could I be thanking all of you for spreading the word about this blog and watching the readership continue to grow and not use this as an opportunity for you and/or I to be the answer to thousands of people’s hopes and prayers?

Please click here and feel free to pass on to your friends and family! And thanks.

***

So looks like you guys are liking the book blog - for which we basically have my dad to thank because he'll be like "Fine, I'll post another book even though I know you guys are reading stuff (mutteringlazyfamilymuttering)!" But we've been trying to use guilt (on me) as motivation, which I think is just good family dynamics.

Anyway, thanks for the support guys! Click here for this week's book and browse around for all things eclectic!

***

You know one thing I would change about my body? Nothing. Not because I'm perfect, but because I'm using my one option for change for my husband, who has decided to not shave just the moustache part of his face. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN, PEOPLE. Apparently, this has been happening for days, but "you never really notice my face anyway" and so I just picked up on it today.

Me: "Um, you forgot to shave a part of your face."
CB, smiling: "No, that's on purpose. It's Mo-vember."
Me: "No no, not in this house it's not. You have to please go shave before work."
CB, laughing: "Nope. Plus, it bothers you so much."
Me: "You look like a 70s porn star."
CB, looking in the mirror: "Yeah, it's ridiculous, right?"
Me: "You are a grown up! The only people a moustache looks good on is Tom Selleck.....and nobody else."
CB: "True."
Me: "Am I hurting your feelings? I mean, did you like it?"
CB: "Nope, I think it looks ridiculous."
Me: "Then please shave!"
CB, laughing: "I will....at the end of the month."
Me: "We are not celebrating my birthday with your moustache, I'll tell you that right now."
CB, putting on his aviator sunglasses: "Now I look like a 70s tv cop. So cool."
Me: "NOT COOL! Oh my God, I can't believe you're going to work looking like that."

And then he did what I'm guessing is supposed to be some 70s tv cop move and left. So I need my blogging people to help convince CB that this is not funny! For other people, yes, awesome. For him? Like, I can't even look at his face.

Help.

***

So, this is basically what happens in our house on a regular basis. I forwarded this to my parents and CB the other day and said "this could be mom and me." And then we all agreed that my niece needed to be included in that since we're already expecting to have a head scratching circle for the three of us at Christmas, which makes my dad, husband, and sister want to immediately leave the room.

We could definitely invite this coatimundi along, though it seems like he's a little too "all about me." It's a give and take, adorable coatimundi!

***

And now, the Video of the Week.

Happy Friday!

Final Honeymoon post! (and only two months later)

So, apparently I don’t know how to properly count to five. As I was prepping today’s post, I realized that I mentioned Monday that I’d done three Bali blogs over the last few weeks when, in reality, I’d done four! I rule!

But if – like me – you were unaware of that and missed one, click here, and here, and here and here.

All caught up? Then let’s get to number five!

Just….Bali.

This is a post in pictures. Because that’s the only way I’ll even come close to explaining Bali. The people, the food, the climate, the landscape….it’s all so uniquely….Bali. And we were absolutely blown away and so fortunate to spend 10 days in this little slice of heaven. With Putra. 

The monkeys.

And the baby monkeys.

And feeding Begal tigers...

And adorable elephants.

Did I mention the monkeys?

And random roosters just window shopping. 

And the people.

Especially this guy!

And our home away from home.

And the crazy, no-rules-needed driving.

And this.

And CB's favorite....the food (more the Bintang, if we're being honest)

And this. Especially this. Because guys, that's
my husband's hand! Right there! He was there with me
for all of it! THE BEST! 

Happy Wednesday, everyone! 

Like Gazelles at the Watering Hole

So, as one loyal blog reader pointed out last week, I’ve totally dropped the Bali ball and only told you guys about two of my top five favorite moments from our trip. How dare I.

Let’s get to it! We’re now on #3 of my top five moments.

Never being on a reality show. Stick with me here.

Ok, so this is less about Bali, specifically, and more about just CB and I traveling, being partners in crime, and never making it onto any sort of reality, travel-based show where there’s any sort of compensation for finding your way through foreign lands using obvious clues.

You see, it all started when we got to the airport in Hong Kong, our last layover before hitting Indonesia. All our tired, confused bodies wanted was to get up to the second floor where all of the food courts were. We could see the Golden Arches like an oasis in the desert. Actually, I just wanted to go to the drug store I could see through the glass partitions at the end of the up escalator so I could buy a toothbrush and some toothpaste and no longer offend myself with my own breath. CB wanted a Big Mac.

So we started walking. And walking. And walking.

Until CB was like “Are you sure we should be walking this far?”

Me: “Well I haven’t seen any access to the escalators yet, have you?”
CB: “No, but this feels far.”
Me: “It does. But I think we’re close, there are a lot of people up there.”

So we kept walking. Until finally we were standing right next to a glass partition, watching people go up an escalator.

Eureka!

Me: “Wait….how do we get onto that escalator?”
CB: “Maybe the entrance is around the corner, let’s go.”

Nope.

Me: “Oh! Maybe it’s over there, I see people getting on it over there!”
CB: “Perfect, let's go.”

Nope.

Me: “Ok, we need to ask someone for help.”

Five minutes, three security guards, and a woman sitting at a desk where they take your temperature before you can get onto the plane later, and we’d been told seventeen different answers for “how do we get onto that escalator we can see but can’t access?”

CB: “This can’t be real. There has to be an easy way to get to the second floor! All of those people are up there eating and they were able to figure it out!”
Me: “So what the hell is wrong with us?”
CB: “I don’t know, but this is ridiculous.”
Me: “And we can’t even blame any of it on the language barrier. Everything’s in English.”
CB: “We’re those stupid Americans you’re always hearing about.”
Me: “I literally have no idea how to get upstairs.”

And then, like the parting of the Red Sea, I saw a bunch of people loading onto an elevator and started running towards it yelling “Let’s go! Let’s go!”

Luckily, CB was right behind me, we slid onto the glorious metal miracle just as the doors were closing, and a bunch of airport employees stared at us and shook their heads.

Me: “Going up?”
Airport Employee: “Yes, but you can’t be on this elevator.”
Me: “Why? We just want to get to the food court. And I need to brush my teeth.”
AE: “This is for employees only, sorry. We’re not going to the food court.”

And so, dejectedly, we exited our only hope at processed food and toothpaste and hung our heads in shame.

FINALLY, though, we found an employee who did more than motion vaguely to a different corner of the airport to get rid of us and explained that we had to go through security again before accessing the second floor. Which, to be fair to us, makes zero sense, but whatever. They also randomly took CB’s temperature as he was exiting the moving walkway, so we embraced the notion that things were done differently here.

However, as we ascended towards our goal, CB looked at me and said: “You know, if we were contestants on the Amazing Race, we’d be the first people kicked off.”

Me: “Oh, for sure.”
CB: “Like, I’m not even sure we’d make it to the finish line and they’d have to come find us and lead us there.”
Me: “Absolutely. We have zero instincts when outside of our comfort zone, apparently.”
CB: “But maybe it’s just because we’re so tired?”
Me: “Maybe. But I’m pretty sure that if we were gazelles, we’d be the first ones eaten at the watering hole.”
CB: “Without a doubt.”

And then we high fived and bought some burgers and fries at 9am just to complete the sterotype.

We love you, Hong Kong!