Ok, so apparently when I posted on Friday that I had some exciting news to share in the coming weeks, that translated into about 20-30 texts and emails from friends and strangers who were all wondering if CB and I were either getting married, moving in together, or expecting a child out of wedlock. Also, one person asked me if I got a book deal, but I think that person was mistaking me for someone who can actually write a story longer than 400 words, and so the answer to all of the above is “No.”
Anyway, I’m quite sure that none of the boyfriend-related events will be occurring any time soon if I’m at all a good judge of face reading, which should totally be a thing (if it’s not) because I’m amazing at noticing every nuance. I mean, horror is a really hard thing to read on someone’s face, sometimes, but I totally got it loud and clear! And then I tried explaining to him that of course people would think this since I’m very obviously pure joy and sunshine at every waking moment, but somehow he still wasn’t convinced. Stunning, I know. But then I just fed him more wine and distracted him with my amazing ability to eat carbs by the boatload.
Remember how I told you guys that I was going to the dentist with Betty White on Friday? Well, it happened and Rose was absolutely no help when I accidentally made a sexual reference to the hygienist and the dentist while they were checking out my teeth. My bad.
Dentist: Can you open a bit wider?
Me: This is as wide as it goes, I think. (which is really hard to say while you’re trying to unhinge your jaw for a dental exam!)
Dentist: You have a really small mouth.
Me: Haha, that’s not what my boyfriend says!
And then I froze because my mind always immediately goes to whatever a 16 year old boy would think and so then I panicked that my new dentist would assume I was making a slutty reference, and so I, of course, had to correct myself and his dirty mind. Shame on you, Dr. Hotness.
Me: But I don’t mean it like that! Not like, you know, in the sexual way! I mean, not that you thought I meant that, and not that that’s what I meant or that there’s anything wrong with that, except I’d totally never say something like that to strangers. Well, not on purpose. Anyway, I wasn’t being slutty when I said that.
And then I reminded myself about how someone once told me that thoughts are for the inside and how I still haven’t quite mastered that. But what totally made the situation not weirder at all was the laughter from everyone in the room – and the entire office - and then the question from the patient next door who said: “What did she just say?”
Also, I think I should mention that my voice carries. It’s something that is constantly surprising to me but is pointed out by nearly everyone else around me, especially CB. Like the time I accidentally whisper-yelled “vulva” in a crowded restaurant. And I say “whisper-yelled” because I thought it was a whisper and everyone else turned when I said it…so perhaps I need to work on volume control. But since my boyfriend is obviously very used to this, he did a really smooth cover so that people just thought we were having a rousing conversation about cars.
CB: “Oh yeah, I don’t like those cars either. I prefer Saabs.”
Smooth cover, CB, smooth cover.