So, I think Michael Kors is stalking me. Ok, not Michael Kors himself, but I’m pretty sure he has hired someone to stalk me with his beautiful, beautiful merchandise. First of all, Ihave been stalking a Michael Kors watch for about a year now. I sometimes just stare at it online and think about what I’d look like casually riding the train, wearing my Michael Kors watch, and catching the eye of every person who totally wants this watch, too, but had to pay their rent instead.
But then I snap back into reality and remind myself that, allegedly, living in the outside all the time probably isn’t ideal for Ollie and me. And because I’m totally a responsible adult wearing glitter shoes, I quickly close my browser and get back to more important things.
Like stalking the Michael Kors purse that I want. Also, I should probably add here that I’ve become what many people call the Ugly American Consumer. Except, instead of being ugly and a consumer, I’m just normal-looking and an online-stalker. But I’m totally American.
Also, I’m a bit OCD when it comes to, well, pretty much everything. And so I fixate. Like the time when I fixated on eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for, like, 8.5 years. Or the time I ate hot dogs every day for an entire summer. And then the following fall when I fixated on buying all new clothes because none of my old clothes fit me because all I did was eat hot dogs for 3 months.
What’s good about my fixations is that usually I just fixate to the point where I get tired of it and then fixate on something else. But I’ve trained myself to notice when my fixation won’t go away. Like with the Michael Kors purse. And watch.
The watch was an easier fix, I thought, because I found one that looked similar but was only $25 at Macys. But then the other day a co-worker was walking by, grabbed my wrist and said “Is that the Michael Kors watch I want?” And then my heart started to cry.
Me: “No…I can’t afford that watch. Also, can you? We work in the same place.”
Co-worker: “No, but I told my mom I wanted one, sent her the link, and told her to ‘work her magic.’”
Me: “Genius. I just went to Macy’s and panic-bought one that looked similar so I’d stop staring at it online.”
Co-worker: Laughs nervously because that’s weird.
And then, within the same week, I was out with my boyfriend who was having a normal conversation about something we both really cared about when I saw a girl across the room with my Michael Kors bag on her shoulder.
Me: “That girl has my bag!”
Boyfriend, realizing we’re no longer talking about whatever it is that he was just saying: “What? Who? Someone took your bag?”
Me: “No, but she totally has the bag that I have been stalking online for at least 6 months.”
Boyfriend, completely seriously: “Why don’t you go ask her if you can try it on?”
Enter: boys not understanding anything about how this works.
So, you see, Michael Kors is totally stalking me with his talented designs and he really needs to cut it out. Also, I may have accidentally stalked who I thought was Rod Stewart while wearing my glitter shoes and not noticing that my coat had come unzipped from the bottom so that I looked like a crazy person. But that’s another story for another day.