Fighting with your clothes and the reason why I might be judging you at a dinner party.

Someone asked me today if I’ve always been “like this.” I assumed he meant beautiful and funny, so I said yes. This is after I accidentally got attacked by my own coat and had to fight it off. It’s a long story, and the coat is really sorry and didn’t mean it, and so we’re trying to work it out. And when I explained this, my co-worker said “Yeah, I’m pretty sure you had to come out of the box this way.”

My parents encouragd heavy drinking at an early age.

Also, see the candy cane in the picture, co-worker? That’s candy. Do you know what’s not candy? Gum. Gum is not candy. If you think it is, you are mistaken and you don’t know what real candy is.

Co-worker: “What kind of candy should I get?”

Me: “Something I can eat, too.”

Co-worker: “Gum?”

Me: “Gum is not candy.”

Co-worker: “Yes it is.”

Me: “No it’s not. I win. Now go get actual candy. Fighting makes me hungry.”

 Oh, and dessert doesn’t include fruit. NO! I don’t want to hear your exceptions. If you say “would you like some dessert?” and I say “yes!”, then you can’t bring me, like, a blackberry tart. Because then it’ll make me secretly think that you sometimes hate fun and things that taste good and then I’ll eat it spitefully and with judgment. And I hate eating dessert while being judgmental! Though it burns more calories.

Not to be mistaken for actual dessert. Also, quit being so healthy, tart, you re making actual dessert feel bad.

Speaking of calories, is it just me or are treadmills sometimes hard to stay on while you’re running? No? Just me? Got it. Well, then there’s another story to add to the list. Stay tuned!