Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Why I might end up stabbing someone and how infomercials are bad for you.

So, character boyfriend has “made” us start doing INSANITY. I put “made” in quotation marks because, technically, I was really excited about trying this out and getting into better shape and, also, volunteered to do so. But in my mind, I’m being forced to do it. Which really is about the same thing.

Cut to last night when sweat was dripping off of my body onto the carpet and CB was laying on the floor face down unable to move. This is what INSANITY has done to us. And it was Day Two. And I know you’re wondering: Yes, it’s INSANE.

For those of you unfamiliar with the INSANITY that is Shawn T, it’s this infomercial workout program that you do for 60 days and get into the best shape of your life. Allegedly.

At the very least, you will get INSANELY creepy abs that you can scare your friends with.

When I shared this awesome plan with my co-worker yesterday, he proceeded to make fun of me, tell me all sorts of Debbie Downerisms about infomercials and how it’s probably a fraud, etc. And then I proceeded to tell him he was wrong.

Also, CB totally won’t let me quit on Day Three, so I better stop talking to my co-worker about it. Because he’s right: eating chocolate and large quantities of pasta sounds WAY better than the 12 almonds I just ate as a “snack.”

You see, with this program they also give you a nutritional guide. At first I scoffed, but then I realized that perhaps this would be useful since I’m the person who tends to be all like “Oh I can totally eat what I want, I just worked out!” and then go on to completely negate everything I just did during my workout. It’s a really good strategy, ya’ll.

I’ve also decided that I want to see what 10 Pounds Lighter Becky would look like.

DISCLAIMER: I may give up on this next week and decide that 10 Pounds Lighter Becky isn’t very appealing because Just As You Are Becky really just wanted to have a burger. I’ll keep you posted.
And in a true act of being the smartest man on the planet, CB made it clear that he doesn’t think I should/need to lose any weight. Thank you, CB, that was exactly what you’re legally required to say.
Anyway, while I have this whole dietary guide to follow, complete with a calorie count that sucks, CB doesn’t want to lose any weight, but rather, just tone up. And he literally gets to eat more than DOUBLE my calories every single day, well above 3,000 calories.

Um, you’re a bear, CB.

Also, we had this conversation last night:

CB: “I can’t believe how many calories I get to eat, how am I going to eat that much?”
Me: “I hate you. Also, maybe you did the math wrong.”
CB: “No, I didn’t do the math wrong. But this is going to be tough, I mean, that’s a lot of calories, I’m going to be eating all the time!”
Me: “Yeah, that sounds really rough since I ate 12 almonds as a snack today and am allowed ½ cup of pasta for dinner. I really feel bad for you.”
CB: “I hope I don’t lose weight doing this thing.”
Me: “You might want to stop talking now before I stab you.”

Day Three, people, Day Three.

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