Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Friday Funday Wrapup and how hiccups cause smothering.

Happy Friday!

It finally happened! After months of pretending that Shop Rite is romantic and staring longingly at each other over $1 beers at the bar with 80 other people, we went on a for-real date! And it ended with him “offering” to smother me with a pillow, so I call that a success!

Also, because he totally loves my blog and every time I refer to him, we had this conversation on our walk home last night:

Me: “This was a great date night, thank you!”
Boyfriend: “Good, I’m glad you liked it. It was definitely fun.”
Silence as we ate ice cream, blissfully.
Boyfriend: “So is it going to get a mention on the blog, then?”

And there you have it. He totally loves this blog and everything that goes into it and definitely likes it every time I mention him. He also told me that the only reason he hasn’t sued me for slander is because I don’t use his name. Because that’s the kind of sweet talk that he uses when we’re feeling all romantic.

This is a reenactment of what would ve happened if "he" liked to show a lot of affection in public. When I asked him if he wanted to stroll lovingly home with our arms wrapped around each other, he rolled his eyes and told me to keep dreaming. Hands off, ladies, he s mine!

Also, after the excitement of dinner and a walk through the park and sitting on the pier overlooking the city and getting ice cream from the Mister Softie ice cream truck, my poor esophagus just couldn’t take it and so I got embarrassingly dramatic and violent hiccups for, like, an hour after we got home.
And then I poured water all over myself and the couch.

Whatever. To be fair, it totally wasn't my fault.

So I’m sitting there hiccupping, and every time I hiccup, my whole body would, like, jerk into a mini-convulsion and would shake the whole couch. And obviously this was really fun for my boyfriend, who showed great consideration by continuously reminding me that I should really stop hiccupping. So I shot him daggers with my eyes and then asked him for an actual helpful suggestion.

Him: “Hold your breath.”
Me: plugging my nose and holding my breath.
Him: “What are you doing?”
Me, not holding my breath anymore: “Um, holding my breath like you said. Oh, by the way, I can’t hold my breath without holding my nose.”
Him: “Seriously?”
Me: “Yeah. Shhh, I have to hold my breath.”

And then that continued to not work for about 15 minutes.

Then he suggested that I drink water from the other side of the glass. I totally didn’t know what this meant, but sure, why not? I thought that maybe pouring water all over myself would shock my body into forgetting that it wanted to hiccup. So as I went to drink “from the other side of the glass,” he yelled “What are you doing?! You’re going to pour water all over the place!”

And then we had a really mature back-and-forth conversation about how that’s what he just told me to do but how apparently that’s not what he meant, and then he had to demonstrate for me. And then I tried what he just showed me and somehow got water all down my front and on the couch cushion so that I had to sit on a blanket for an hour while it dried.

Oh, and then I tried holding my breath again and he finally said:

“Would it help if I smothered you with a pillow? Because I’d be willing to do that.”

And then we totally fell really deeply in love.

Moving on……

Um, this is why nature can for real be dangerous. Exploding, fire-shooting rocks? This is why I live in NYC. I’d like to keep my skin, thanks.

Also, this warms my heart because I’m a human. And because this is what my soul looks like. Oh, and because any time I can show even a little bit of Sam Champion yummyness, I do.

By the way, when I was born, my loving older sister said this to my mom:

“Mom, you can come home. But don’t bring the baby.”

 So, you know, close to the same thing.

Have a great weekend!!

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