Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Top 5 Reasons I will never be in a romantic comedy and Why Ira Glass knows way too much about my cat.

Last night we were flipping through channels when we happened upon the classic that is “Crocodile Dundee,” which I’d never seen before, much to Character Boyfriend’s dismay. So we started watching it, and all was fine until this scene where the douche-y boyfriend/fiancĂ© guy, who she so obviously isn’t going to end up with in the end, leans over and sort of gently grabs her chin and tilts it towards him before he kisses her.

That’s super dumb.

Me: “Uh, don’t ever do that.”
CB: “What?”
Me: “Don’t ever do that cheesy chin grab thing. It’s ridiculous.”
CB: “But you love all things cheesy.”
Me: “This is true. But not that. I’m just telling you what you should never do before kissing me. That’s one of ‘em. If you want to grab my face? Go for it. The face is good. But my chin? Don’t ever grab my chin like it’s the handle to the rest of my face.”
CB: “Ok. And this is a ridiculous conversation.”

 But this ridiculous conversation got me thinking and so I immediately started compiling a list in my head of all of the things I would never do if I was in a Romantic Comedy. Obviously.

Also, I realize that this is a total normal reaction to watching “Crocodile Dundee,” which, to be fair, I guess wouldn’t fall under the rom-com genre. But whatever, I obviously have a really important life with a lot of big decisions to make and so I spent my 45 minute commute this morning compiling a list on my phone so I wouldn’t forget.

Don’t be jealous of my awesome mind.*  Ok, let’s proceed:

1. I will never drive cross country to meet someone I’ve heard talk on the radio. Unless it’s Ira Glass. Also, I accidentally verbally assaulted Ira Glass with my love one time when I ran into him (read: chased him down half a city block) and I was actually worried that “stalkers” would be an upcoming topic on “This American Life.” But whatever. So anyway, unless it’s Ira Glass, I will never drive cross country to meet someone I’ve heard talk on the radio. Even if we both say “magic” at the exact same time.

I’m sorry that I told you I loved you and then started talking about my cat.

2. I will never dash through airport security to declare my love Honestly, this has less to do with the law and more to do with the fact that I’m pretty sure that I’d get to your gate, your gate will have changed, and you won’t actually be at your gate because you decided to go to the airport bar to drink during the 3 hour delay they just told you about after changing gates. Meanwhile, I’ll get to the gate that is now boarding people to Poughkeepsie, look around, be all huffing and puffing and sweaty, not see you, and then sit down on the dirty airport floor and start eating junk food.

3. I will never confess my love for you on the morning of your wedding to someone younger and hotter (allegedly) than meAlso, I promise to just never confess my love for you anytime around your wedding. First of all, then I’d totally be uninvited and everyone knows that I like to get down at weddings. Secondly….I mean, that’s just cruel. Plus, we all know that I’d rather be secretly tormented by the fact that I never told you and then I’d have way more material for this blog by going on a bunch of really terrible dates to try to get over you.

4. I will never become a prostitute so that you can save me and love me. There are much better reasons to become a prostitute. Also, if you want to give me jewelry, please don’t try to playfully trap my hand inside of the box while I reach in to get my gift. First of all, that’s just mean.  Second of all, we all know that I have a propensity to get injured by doing mundane tasks like, you know, standing. So this very cute, flirty “scene” in our love could become a trip to the ER in about 15 seconds, and then you’d just have to sit there with me in the waiting room while I pretended not to hate you for breaking my finger. And then we’d fall out of love and I’d be back on the streets. Lose/lose.

 *There needs to be a disclaimer here: I love Romantic Comedies. I love love and all things revolving around love, and if Meg Ryan, Tom Hanks, or Julia Roberts are in these movies, I will immediately memorize them by watching them 78 times in one weekend while texting my best friend about every amazing quote. And I will randomly quote these movies to my boyfriend, who has no idea what I’m talking about or why I’ve become more dramatic than usual, and then I will remind him that we need to watch more romantic comedies. And not, like, “Crocodile Dundee 2.”

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