As I mentioned last week, I had the opportunity to chat with Julia Allison recently and ask her all sorts of ridiculous questions that nobody in their right mind would ask a stranger. Like who her favorite Golden Girl was and if she had any good stories about her underpants. Oh, also, she doesn’t call them underpants and I think I maybe creeped her out when I kept calling them that. Though I will say this: she was an extraordinarily good sport, especially considering I sort of mocked her whole 73 point checklist. And when I say “sort of”, I mean I totally and completely mocked it because I’m not always a nice person when I think nobody is reading.
Anyway, one of the things I quickly realized about Julia – aside from the whole begging guys to kiss her and making a checklist of every possible thing she could want in a man - is that she really does seem way more normal than she came across on tv. Um, and you can totally tell all about a person in a 45 minute phone call you guys, so obviously I have her entire persona figured out and there’s no need to second-guess me about any of this.
And don't get me wrong - I was obsessed with the show and even got CB into it. Well, technically I don't know if I should say that he's into it, per se, since he would go in the other room and read when I turned it on. But he lives in a studio apartment, so it's technically the same room with just a divider and so basically that's the same as watching it with me. In my mind.
But seriously. She seemed to genuinely cringe at herself for some of the ridiculous things she said and did during the show, all of which makes for incredibly entertaining reality tv but not so much for, you know, living your life without people thinking you’re insane. Which I definitely do not know anything about. However, something she really stuck by was that infamous checklist, which has been added to and now includes 88 items all told. And, apparently, her current boyfriend fits every single thing on the list.
What? I know. Show-off.
Uh, for the record, you should all be very impressed by me for exhibiting self-restraint, a muscle I don’t flex that often, because I totally didn’t ask her to elaborate on certain items like “talented lover” (number 59) or “sexually delicious” (number 85*). You’re welcome, America. Or…I’m sorry? Also, and totally unrelated, I’m currently drafting a checklist of all of CB’s most stellar qualities on a piece of paper, then putting a check next to each one, and then I’ll totally call Julia and be all like “Ha! You’re not the only one who’s boyfriend has everything on the list. Take that, Bravo reality star!” Or something. Moving on.
So while we were talking, I couldn’t help but mention some of the horrible dates I’d been on that you all seem to enjoy hearing about so much. You know, like that guy who either had a cocaine problem or IBS and said “Cheers” to himself as he downed both of our shots on the first date, or the one who wore Jesus sandals and took me to Starbucks. Both classics. So obviously, the pressure was on.
I have to say, though, that by the end of telling me all about her terrible dating stories, she totally won. Like, I took off my crown, gave it a little polish, and handed it right on over to her. You know why? Because while I’ve been out with some gigantic losers, I’ve never, ever, ever had to clean all of my sheets and blankets and rugs and ancillary items in my bedroom because my drunken, Del Taco’s taco-filled, stark naked date was passed out, spread-eagle on my pink princess comforter.
Also, I don’t have a pink princess comforter. But I totally could, and that’s what matters.
Anyway, in true Julia Allison fashion, I decided to make a list of the Top Three Things Nobody Else Would Ever Ask a Stranger Without Being Ashamed of Themselves. I know, right? I should definitely name things more often.
Ready? Here we go:
1. Who’s on your freebie list?
You know how everyone has that “freebie” list of celebrities that you could meet, sleep with, and your partner couldn’t get mad? Well I asked Julia who was on hers. I mean, if I canget my parents to make that list, I can pretty much get anyone to.
JA, laughing: This is great. Ok, ready? Andrew Garfield, Topher Grace, Jon Stewart, Tom Brady, and….um…..who else….Channing Tatum. Oooooh Channing Tatum.
JA: I’m obsessed. Did you ever see him in that Step Up movie?
Me: Wasn’t he just in that stripper movie?
JA: Oh I never saw that!
Me: I didn’t either, but you probably should if you like him! But you seemed to pick guys who have a bit of substance, too. Most of mine are basically guys that I just think are hot.
JA: I mean, a beautiful guy is great to look at, but if they’re not intelligent and funny and clever I’d get bored pretty quickly, you know?
Me: That’s true, but the way I see it is if I only have one night, I’m not wasting it by talking to them.
And then I became the classiest person she’d ever met and made my parents even prouder than they already were.
2. Who’s your favorite Golden Girl? Also, I’m assuming these are the best questions you’ve ever been asked ever.
JA: Oh my God! Best question. Obviously Blanche, of course, because she’s so patently ridiculous. I mean, you have to.
Me: See, mine has always been Rose, but that’s because I can relate to her, which really says a lot.
JA: Aw, Rose…wait, wasn’t she always the spacey one?
Me, not embarrassed at all: Yep, exactly.
JA: I do love Rose…oh no, now you’re making me second-guess my decision……
Me: I know, right? You could totally have this conversation all day long. Also, nobody’s cooler than us at this very moment.
JA, laughing, probably out of pity: I’m sticking with Blanche, though. I’m sticking to it.
3. Lastly, what is one of your best stories about your underpants? Also, do you call them underpants?
Yep, I definitely asked this. Obviously. I mean, who doesn’t have stories about their underpants? Plus, I figured if she admitted to calling them that, I’d totally win and then everyone who says I’m ridiculous for calling them underpants could suck it.
Spoiler Alert: she called them underwear the whole entire time and my pride and soul cried just a little bit.
However, while her story about underpantswear was a solid one, the best part of the entire conversation happened at the very end:
JA: Actually, I’m standing in the window just wearing my underwear right now while talking to you, and my boyfriend’s laughing at me.
Me: Wait, you’re standing there talking to me in your underwear?
JA: Yes! I’m just wearing a giant pair of pink underwear and a Georgetown t-shirt while we talk.
And then we ended the best phone call of her life. I mean, I’m assuming. I think it was implied.
But see you guys? I’m totally not the only one! She could’ve just as easily have walked out into her hallway and scared her new neighbor. It’s not just me!
Anyway, after all was said and done, and lists were made and boundaries were crossed by giant pink underpants, I think we learned something. Or at least spent close to an hour talking about stuff that won’t at all impact the world but will likely make you all feel better about yourselves for not having to be part of that conversation with me. Right? So I see this as a success. Also, I have to get going because I have some lists to make. CB’s going to be so excited!
What would be on your list?
Happy Hump Day, everyone!