Tuesday, August 14, 2012

How I almost made it onto Law and Order and why I'll totally help you find strip clubs in New Jersey.

When I got home from work last night, in the midst of a wicked thunderstorm, I discovered that my power went out. Oh, and it was 101 degrees and I think even my cat was sweating.  So I did what any sane, rational person would do: I filled a squirt bottle with water and preceded to mist myself and Ollie for 20 minutes until I decided that this is how we were going to die. So then I literally laid on my floor groaning while checking Facebook and thinking of a witty status update before my phone started to fade. If I was going to die, I wanted to die funny.

But then I fell asleep.

It’s important to note here that Ollie is not a Lassie Cat. He didn’t run for help when he thought his owner was dying from the heat and humidity. He literally was all like “Oh cool, we’re napping? I’ve got this.” and went and laid in the sink for the rest of the night. Also, there’s no better look than the one I had going on when the electric guy came to my door some time later to tell me they were working on the problem in our building.

To answer the first, and most obvious, question: yes, I had more than just my underpants on, I put on shorts before answering the door. I mean, I’m an adult, I learn from my mistakes. Regardless, though, I looked really good, all frizzy and covered in now-dried cat hair. Oh, and some chocolate that I saved from the refrigerator. I mean, it was going to melt anyway, I needed to eat it so it wouldn’t go to waste! Obviously.

And then this conversation with the electric guy happened:

EG: “….so it should be fixed within the hour, I’ll keep you guys all posted.”
Me: “Ok, no problem, I’ll probably just fall back asleep anyway.”
EG: “That’s a good way to pass the time.”
Me: “Yeah. I’d be terrible in the old timey days when people had to rely on their intellect to stimulate their brain activity. I just went on Facebook and fell asleep. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t make it during Laura Ingalls days.”
EG: “Hahaha oh I’m sure you’d be fine. Is that the girl from Little House on the Prairie?”
Me, impressed: “Yes! I used to dress up like her all the time.” Um, too much information, Beck.
EG: Blank stare because I’m being socially awkward.
Me: “Anyway, you can get back to work.” Because now I’m starting to realize that it’s dark and you’re a dude and maybe you want to do bad Law and Order: SVU stuff to me.
EG: “Yeah, my buddy is just giving the news to the people upstairs and then we’ll head back out.”
Me: Staring blankly because I’m flashing back to Mariska Hargitay scenes in my head and trying to figure out if I can get the mace from my purse in time to totally take this guy down.
EG: “Reminds me of some of the storms we used to get back in Ohio.”

Ohio! This guy’s totally not going to assault me, he’s from the Midwest! (I know, I know, it’s terrifying to think I’ve made it this far in my life.)

I literally rocked that Laura Ingalls hat for, like, a year.

Ok, let’s fast-forward through the next few minutes of me geeking out about the Midwest and cut to:

EG: “When my girlfriend and I first moved out here, we kept passing landmarks and stuff that we recognized from the Soprano’s. We both were huge fans of that show.”
Me: “Yeah, you see it everywhere. Have you gone by the Badda Bing?”
EG: “No! I don’t know where it is!”
Me: “My boyfriend drove me by it a few months ago, it’s right there off of Route 17 but it’s called something else. I think ‘Satin Dolls’ or something like that.”
EG: “That’s awesome! I’ll have to keep an eye out for it.”
Me: “Yeah, and you can tell your girlfriend that a customer told you about it, and I’m a girl, so it’s totally fine and not sleazy to drive by it.”
EG: “Hahaha somehow I don’t think she’ll see it that way, but I’ll give it a try!”
Me: “Totally. Maybe she’ll even let you take your picture out in front or something.”
EG: “Ha! Yeah right! Would you let your boyfriend do that?”
Me: “Uh, my boyfriend pointed it out to me. Also, it’s the Badda Bing! It’s iconic!”
EG: “Your boyfriend is a lucky guy.”
Me: “Hang on, let me just call him real quick so you can tell him that since he refuses to believe it when I say it…”

But then we got interrupted by him having to go back to doing his job and so CB will just have to take my word for it when I remind him daily that he’s the luckiest CB there is. Also,  that I’m pure joy and sunshine at every waking moment. The End.

I mean, I’m downright angelic, let’s just put it out there already.

No comments:

Post a Comment